There is going to be a Dora the Explorer movie

I was never a Dora the Explorer fan. Most of this was probably due to my age: I was seven when Dora first starting airing, so I was a bit outside its target demographic. And it’s a good thing I was, because I HATED it. If I ever walked through my living room to see my little brother watching Dora it would send me into a rage. I know this might be unnatural, but I know I’m not the only one who felt this way. Dora made me seethe.

There were a few things I couldn’t stand about Dora:

1. “Swiper, no swiping.” It pissed me off enormously to see Swiper being repeatedly thwarted words. Like the producers were really cool with teaching young, impressionable children that if they are ever victims of robbery they can simply tell the robber, “No,” and he’ll stop. It was also just lazy writing–you’re supposed to escalate the conflict, not stop it before it even starts. Screenwriting 101.

2. Boots. Boots was just a huge bitch. No backbone. Brought nothing to the table. Just followed the strong female character around like he was Jorah Mormont minus the good looks and the fighting skills. Also his boots were girly. If you’re gonna walk around in outrageous boots like that at least wear blue ones. That shit might fly in 2017 but it sure as hell didn’t in 2002.

3. Dora speaking Spanish. Wow, did this one make me fly off the handle. I’d be playing in the parlor, 10-years-old, then my little bro would put on the show and all of a sudden I’d be hearing “Vaminos” and “Soy Dora” and all this other Mexican bullshit. In my living room, in my town, in Massachusetts which is a state in AMERICA. I once got a timeout for yelling “SPEAK ENGLISH YOU BITCH” at the television. My mom told me to go stand in the corner because she couldn’t tolerate such language, even though she agreed with the sentiment.

But all that’s behind us now. Dora is hitting the big screen. The original show’s format doesn’t exactly seem conducive to box office success, and it seems that the producers agree. According to Entertainment Weekly, the film will likely focus on a female Dora moving into the city with her cousin Diego.

This has all the elements of a potentially stellar coming-of-age film. Dora moves to a new city and enrolls in a high school, struggling to make friends and come to terms with her identity as a Latin American woman in Trump’s America. She meets Boots, a freshman monkey who is constantly ridiculed because of his fashion choices and Swiper, a stone-cold fox on the football team who assures her that she can make this place her home. But then everything goes wrong. Diego discovers the devil’s lettuce. Boots is caught wearing a thong to class. And as Dora falls for Swiper his true motives are revealed: he only befriended Dora so he could swipe the virginity of a “spicy Latina.” Will Dora ever be able to call this place home?

This shit writes itself.

P.S. Although I hated always hated Dora the Map song was fire.


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